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aliceinwonderland5150
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Name: Alice
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Sacramento
Birthday: 7/7/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: I'd have to say my main interest in life is my boyfriend Austin.
I also love to draw and write poetry, but i draw more than i write.
Expertise: computers, drawing. i am going to start drawing anime and making my own animations. probably using the computer to get the animations together. also want to design games in the future. i'm technologically advanced i guess.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  iwant2eaturbeef
MSN: girliegirlhotstuff@msn.com
ICQ:  152-300-377
Yahoo:  i8anonymousbeef
Member Since:
1/11/2004
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| I have decided to make a new Xanga account.
While I was looking back at my older entries in this account, I realized
that is no longer me. And if it is, that will
change. Since turning 18, I have grown up a lot. However, most of my
maturing has just happened with the way my life was starting to go. Now
that I am moving on, and out, from my family I want to change for the
better.
~ Alice
my new xanga | | |
| Ok, so had a really shitty dream about me and Austin.
In this dream, Austin got mad at me for some stupid reason. We
were smoking cigarettes, as usual, and the wind blew the smoke into his
ear. He blamed me for him getting smoke in his ear, blew up, and
walked away. Later in that dream, I was supposed to clean a
friend's window, and he came to see me. We hugged each other, and
then he started talking to this one dude and some chick. The dude
was hella hitting on me, and I told him to stop. The chick was
hella hitting on Austin, and he kinda flirted back, while he was still
holding onto me. Then, he asked me to go get him a soda, and so I
did. When I got back they were still flirting with each other,
and I gave him the soda. It kinda upset me, but all in all I
didn't mind. Then, I was giving him a hug from behind, and he
kissed the other chick. Instantly I started to cry and ran and
sat on the couch crying. In the dream, all I could think was "its
really over" and cry.
I woke up from the dream crying.
I don't know, I think this is somewhat my insecurities seeping into my
brain. When I'm awake, I don't think of any insecurities I may
have. I keep them out of my brain, and if one comes into my
brain, it is instantly thrown out. But lately when I've been
asleep, all my insecurities come back to me in the form of a dream.
Then, when I wake up, I can remember the dream fully and in detail. And, then can't help to think its true.
Today, when I woke up, I was scared for some reason. I thought
that when I woke up, Austin was going to leave me. And, that made
me cry.
Its been a long time since I've made a post in the "insecurities"
folder. I thought I didn't have them anymore, but I guess I
do. I guess I'm still worried about getting into a fight about
something stupid, or him losing interest in me and then the
relationship would be over.
*sigh* well, I'm done writing about this dream. So, yea.
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| ok, so, as everyone already knows, I live 107
miles away from my boyfriend. If I want to see him, I have to pay for
the expenses. There's nothing wrong with that. I'd give my left leg if
it meant seeing Austin.
But, we are currently living in different cities until we have
enough money to move into a place together. Now, there comes the
problem.
I don't have a job right now. And have been rejected to all the
fast food and retail places around my grandparents house. I get about
$300 a month from my dad. So, I do have a little bit of income. Thats
not the problem.
The problem is, I don't get much money. Me and Austin are saving up to move into a place together. There's only two things:
A. - He lives far away from me, and neither of us can go without seeing the other for more than a week.
B. - I don't get much money, and the money I do get goes into seeing him every chance I get.
Now, that is the problem. I can't save up with him living so far
away from me. Its hard enough having no money, but to not be able to
see him? I'd rather have no money than go through a week without seeing
him. My child support is my only income. Between buying my own food
with that money, and pay transportation costs to see Austin, I have no
money left. I don't know how I'm going to save anything.
I really don't know what to do. I've been crying all day because of
all of this. I want to live with him so bad, but I'm not sure when
thats going to be possible. I wish I knew the solution to this whole
thing.
Even if I did get a job, the pay wouldn't be enough to put in your
eye. I'd have to get two jobs, and I don't want to do that because that
still isn't a lot of money, and I still wouldn't be able to see Austin.
I am not fond of this situation at all. I didn't sleep last night.
I couldn't sleep last night. I was up all night crying because of it
all. I told Austin I was watching t.v. I wasn't. Bah. I hate living so
far away from him.
I wish I knew the solution.
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| so, my grandpa told me that he would buy me a couple books that I
wanted. Now, he's like no. If I buy you anything, then you
won't leave. I want you out of my house now, and if I buy you
books, you won't leave. If you get a job, you won't leave.
Go live somewhere else.
They won't buy me food. I've been asking them for 2 weeks to buy
me food, and they won't. They won't give me any money to get
food. They say as soon as I get a job, they want me out of the
house. I am not getting a job, because you can't have a job if
you have no where to live. They're treating me like shit.
Worse than normal.
They talk shit about me right infront of me. They whisper
comments back and forth to each other like I can't hear what they say
even though I can. I tell them "if you're going to talk shit
about me, fucking say it outloud. I can hear the whispers from
the other room, you might as well speak so you can hear each other".
They are talking down to me again. Saying that I am worthless,
and ugly and fat, unintelligent. That I will never amount to
anything or have anyone's love in life. I know its not true, but
I still can't help feeling worthless and crying myself to sleep.
They're doing this on purpose. They want me to be like everyone
else and dependent on them. Even though they want me out of the
house, they don't want me to be able to succeed without them.
They're trying to fuck me up mentally like they did everyone else.
They're doing this because they want to convert me. Both to the
dysfunctional family that I want nothing to do with, and to their
religion which I have rejected.
They're doing this to feel better about themselves. They are both
useless. My grandma with her mental state of mind, and my grandpa
with his life withering away.
I don't know who is the leader out of them. I used to think it
was my grandma. But, now I am thinking it is my grandpa without
him knowing its him. My grandpa is very smart, but also
naive. My grandma has beaten it into his mind that he's
worthless. I used to think that my grandpa was controlled by
her. But now, I am thinking that she is controlled by him.
I don't know.
I hate them both. | | |
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i made a new xanga where i will put html codes and shit. if you want to check it out or need help, click hereif you have any requests, just type them in the chatbox
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